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Invisible Men: Men's Inner Lives and the Consequences of Silence, by Michael Addis
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Award-winning research psychologist Michael E. Addis identifies and provides answers surrounding the long-unspoken epidemic of silence and vulnerability in men
Drawing on scientific research, as well as his own personal and clinical experience, award-winning research psychologist Michael E. Addis describes in this book an epidemic of personal, relational, and societal problems that are caused by the widespread invisibility of men's vulnerabilities. From increasing rates of suicide among men, to alcohol abuse, to violence and school shootings, his research reveals the continued cost of staying silent when emotional, physical, or spiritual pain enters men's lives.
In the spirit of such bestsellers as William Pollack's Real Boys, Addis identifies the specific problems that result from men's silence and invisibility, what causes them, and how they can be changed. Addis provides readers with compelling stories of the causes and consequences of silence and invisibility in real men's lives. Invisible Men shows both male and female readers how they can break through the gauntlets that appear to protect men, but in reality cause severe harm to men, women, and families.
- Sales Rank: #1984958 in Books
- Published on: 2011-12-20
- Released on: 2011-12-20
- Format: Bargain Price
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.59" h x 1.06" w x 6.48" l, 1.24 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 304 pages
Review
"Michael Addis, a leading expert on the psychology of men, gives us a lens through which to see and understand the invisible men in our lives and provides a set of powerful tools to overcome the forces that keep men invisible. The messages and strategies in Invisible Men are unique and invaluable for men and for all the people who love them."—Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology, Yale University and author of Women Who Think Too Much
"The world would be a better place if everyone—men and women—read this groundbreaking book on the silence and invisibility that surrounds the lives of so many men."—Terry Bradshaw, Hall of Fame NFL Quarterback and FOX Sports Broadcaster
"Thoughtful, articulate, and most importantly, compassionate--Michael Addis gives a name to the problem that affects so many men and their partners, and helps us understand what we can do about it."—Professor of Psychology at the University of Mary Washington, and author of The Masculine Self
"In Invisible Men, Dr. Michael Addis puts his finger on a critical part of the male experience, namely, keeping our vulnerable inner lives hidden. This is an important and critically needed book for every man, and every woman who cares about boys and men in her life, and who wants to understand and loosen the vice grip of invisibility and silence."—James Mahalik, Professor of Counseling Psychology, Boston College
About the Author
Michael E. Addis, Ph.D., has published more than seventy articles and books. He is a recipient of the American Psychological Association's David Shakow Award and the New Researcher Award from the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. Addis is a professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Massachusetts, and lives in central Massachusetts.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
1
Invisible Men … Who Are You Kidding?!
The title of this book may make you wonder, "Invisible men … who are you kidding?" Everywhere we look we see men's lives. On television, in sports, in politics, at work, and at home, men are anything but invisible. At the same time, most men's inner lives remain hidden from others and often from themselves. For centuries, men have been taught that their uncertainty, their pain, and their fear are not for public consumption; how a man really feels about his marriage, his job, his child's sickness, or himself should be kept extremely close to the vest, except under the most unusual circumstances. The bottom line is that a man's masculinity is measured in large part by his ability to make his public accomplishments widely seen and heard, while keeping his inner life silent and invisible.
This book is about the wide range of problems created by the silence and invisibility that often surround men's inner lives. These problems affect not only men but also women, children, communities, and our increasingly global society. To some degree, the feminist revolution of the 1960s and '70s raised our awareness of the damaging effects of traditional masculine roles. Yet despite this awareness, very little has changed; when emotions are running high, many men still leave the house, go on long walks, or head to the nearest bar; wives still implore men to talk about their feelings, only to be told "not now," "later," and "this is not the time."
The expectation remains that men should not get sad. They should get angry, watch sports, or drink, but they should not share their feelings. Research shows that many men who experience depression and anxiety have tremendous difficulty seeking help. For most men, admitting that they are suffering internally is more difficult than admitting that they are an alcoholic or a drug addict. After all, it is more socially acceptable for a man to be a "drunk" or a "grouch" than to suffer from what society deems a "women's issue." Thus their inner lives remain silent.
For this, men pay heavily. Recent studies have shown that conforming to traditional gender roles predicts aspects of men's functioning as diverse as a decreased sense of well-being following prostate cancer surgery, lower levels of health-promoting behaviors, higher levels of health risk behaviors, and higher levels of drug and alcohol abuse. Men still die five to seven years younger than women, and they far surpass women in rates of substance abuse, anger, aggression, and violent crime. Recent estimates suggest that 6 to 8 percent of men will suffer an episode of major depression in a given year, and 13 to 19 percent will experience a major anxiety attack. Although women are twice as likely as men to attempt suicide, men are four times as likely as women to actually take their own lives.1,2,3 It is quite likely that these problems will grow worse in the coming years unless something is done to break the shroud of silence that surrounds men's vulnerability and pain.
ENTERING THE TERRITORY
I have spent the last ten years researching, writing, and talking to men about the problems in their lives. All of this work has convinced me of two things. First, men have a lot going on underneath the surface. Second, under the right conditions almost all men are interested in sharing what they are experiencing. This happens much more easily when both men and women understand how the silence and invisibility that surround men's inner lives operate.
Once you begin to open your eyes you can see the pain in men's lives everywhere you look. Sometimes it exists on a grand scale. Witness, for example, the increasing rates of suicide among returning veterans from the Gulf wars.4,5 Other times, it occurs more locally, and the veil over men's pain is considerably more subtle. The following story illustrates just how common it has become to ignore the realities of men's lives.
"CAN'T COMPLAIN"
I recently stopped by the local coffee shop near our university and ran into one of the staff members. I knew him reasonably well. We'd exchanged greetings and had brief conversations about the Red Sox every so often for over ten years. On this particular day our conversation went like this:
"How's it going?" he asks.
"Fine," I say. "How about you?"
"Can't complain," he says. "Work is work. You know?"
Then he grinned with that familiar mixture of 70 percent suppressed anger, 20 percent irony, and 10 percent real visible pain. Of course, being a psychologist, and being interested in men's well-being, I tune in to the anger and the pain immediately. But being a man, I know my options for how to respond are very limited. I certainly am not supposed to acknowledge his inner pain directly. I am not going to say something like "You seem really stressed; how are you doing?" We simply do not go there. So instead our interaction goes this way:
"Yep. I hear you," I say. "Friday can't come soon enough."
"Oh, yeah," he replies. "I'll be heading out on my boat and knocking back a few."
I say, "Sounds good to me. Have a great weekend."
"Yep. You too," he says.
On one level, this seems like a pretty normal casual conversation between two men. And you may be asking yourself why I am making such a big deal out of it. After all, you are not going to dump an enormous load of personal information on another guy whenever he says, "How's it going?" especially in a coffee shop. Plus, guys do not talk about that stuff. Everyone knows that; it is one of the great gender truths.
But here's the thing. Although I do not know this guy well, I know him well enough to know that he has two young kids in school, one of whom has a severe learning disability. I know that he struggles financially and that the boat is probably an excess he really can't afford. I can tell from the way he walks that he has back trouble that must cause him chronic pain in his line of work. I know all of this because over time I have paid attention to subtle cues, and I have asked the periodic personal question. I know that when he says "I am fine," that's a way of saying "I have not lost it. I am still competent. I am holding it together." And when he says "I can't complain," that's a way of saying "What am I going to do about the pain in my life? You take what life gives you."
Here's what I think is going on. Millions of men are silently struggling on the inside, and they do not have a way of talking about it. Millions of men and women are aware that something may be wrong with the men they know and care about, but they do not know how to talk with men about it. As a result, we've all tacitly agreed that "Doing fine. Can't complain" is one of the few appropriate responses to the question "How's it going?"
THE FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION
How can men, as a group, be so audible, so visible, and in such positions of power in society, and yet, as individuals, feel so disempowered and experience vulnerability and inner pain that remain silent and invisible?
This book is concerned with answering that fundamental question. The more you can understand about the causes of men's hidden suffering, the more you will be empowered to do something about it. The time has clearly come to take action. The first step is actually seeing and hearing the pain that so many men keep silent and invisible.
FRAGILE VERSUS BRITTLE
In 1988 I went to graduate school at the University of Washington to work with Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. At that time Marsha was one of the very few clinical researchers in the world studying the causes and treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is a severe disorder that affects a person's mood, his or her relationships with others, self-esteem, and many other parts of life. Marsha has theorized that the core problem in BPD is difficulty in regulating emotions and that many of the additional problems (e.g., frequent attempts at suicide or other forms of self-injury) are attempts to cope with emotions that are experienced as more severe and out of control.
Over the years I became more and more interested in the psychology of men, and Marsha and I lost touch. However, a few years ago our paths crossed again. Apparently Marsha had begun working with people who met criteria for BPD and were also chronic drug or alcohol abusers. It turns out that a greater percentage of these people are men (compared to those who have BPD but do not abuse drugs and alcohol). Marsha got in touch because she had heard about my work in the psychology of men. We got to talking, and I ended up inviting Marsha to give a lecture to a recently formed special interest group from the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (ABCT.org) on men's mental and physical health. Marsha said she would be happy to give a lecture, but she was concerned that she really did not know that much about the psychology of men. "That's OK," I reassured her, "just be yourself, and it will be great." I was confident of this because Marsha is known as an incredibly creative thinker with a tremendous amount of natural intuition about human suffering.
Marsha came to the meeting and spoke to a packed audience about her experiences working with men. During the question-and-answer part of her lecture, one audience member asked, "If you had to say one thing about the difference between men and women with BPD, what would it be?" Like all good scientists, Marsha was reluctant to generalize too much without sufficient data to back her up. But she eventually succumbed to the pressure to identify a difference between men and women, and she said: "In my experience, women with BPD come across as very fragile. There's something about them that seems like they are barely holding it together beneath the surface and they really need my help. The men seem less fragile and more brittle. I am not sure what that difference is exactly. But with the men it seems like if you reach out and touch them (metaphorically speaking) they...
Most helpful customer reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Some Good Insights, but Padded
By Brian Thompson
A lot of popular nonfiction is padded, and INVISIBLE MEN is no exception. Still, it's a worthy read that offers some good insights.
Like so many people who write about gender and gender roles, Addis goes to the usual extreme of implying very strongly that all differences among the sexes are socially constructed. No doubt that's true to a large extent, but there's no such thing as a human raised without a social structure around him or her. For this reason, any effort to eliminate the reality of socialization with the stroke of a theoretical pen comes across as forced, and that's the case here. Addis focuses a great deal on all the harm that male socialization does to men, but never mentions any of the benefits (and there have to be some - right?). There's also the implication that fathers who try toughen their sons up are hurting them; but Addis might have considered the idea that most fathers know how tough the world is, and they know that you have to be tough so that you don't get eaten alive. But I don't see this reality acknowledged anywhere.
I'm being a little tough on the book, but the author's heart is in the right place, and despite my criticisms, I found myself agreeing with a lot of what he says. He talks about the three types of silence men experience - personal, private, public - and while I found the 3 Ps a little too perfect at first, the more I thought about it, the more I saw the value of thinking in these terms. Addis redefines homophobia as not "fear of homosexuals" but rather "fear of the same (i.e., men)" or "fear of being femmed" - and that's a powerful way of looking at the term. For me, though, the most insightful analysis was the idea of social policing, of male behavior that keeps other men in line with the accepted tenets of masculinity. Since reading this book, I've become hyper-aware of this stuff, and it makes more sense to me every day.
Not a perfect book, and it would have benefited from a bit more nuance, but a good, quick read (sometimes confusing, though, because the structure of a few chapters gets muddled because the author tries to speak simultaneously to men and to women who are in relationships with "silent" and "invisible" men). Oh, and that whole silence and invisibility thing - Silence makes a lot of sense and should have been the title. Invisible is too much of a stretch.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
so I was glad to order it and continue reading at home
By Amazon Customer
I've already started reading this book while on vacation, so I was glad to order it and continue reading at home. This book provides a remarkable inside look to men's lives. Michael Addis informs readers of the many ways men have been silenced, and how normal it's become. It even provides ways for readers (men and their partners alike) to overcome the issues that follow men's silence. Great read so far!
The book itself came packaged well, very quickly and in pristine condition! Happy customer.
1 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
AN EYE OPENER
By Eileen B
I have been working in the medical field as a RN for over 30 yrs and I have taken care of a variety patients with many different personalities and diagnoses . I have found that men have a tendency to hold in their emotions and try to be strong even if they are sad or in pain. Dr. Addis wrote a well researched and informative book that helps us to understand what men are feeling and he provided strategies to help them improve their lives. The book was written not only for the medical profession but for the layperson who needs assistance with their lives or have a friend or family member that may be struggling. I thought that I understood my patients but reading the book gave me a new perspective on the feelings of men and how to deal with their emotions when hospitalized. The author provided case studies and advice that is useful for men, women and couples. The book is entertaining, easy to read and concise.(Reviewed by Eileen- Melissa's Mom)
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